Parties And The Aftermath.

I wonder how I should start this post, because, as I sit at my laptop in sports clothes absolutely soaked (with the addition of blood running down my wrist), I realise that it’s slightly hazy, over dramatic, and quite frankly stupid how I have reached this very moment. And, if you would bother to read on, I’ll explain what has happened over the past twenty five and a half hours.

I guess you could say I was excited. But you could also agree that I was terrified. From personal experiences, I’ve realised that when these two emotions collide, nothing good really ever happens, usually the latter will creep up behind and slit my throat releasing any form of excitement drift away- metaphorically speaking, of course. I don’t know what possessed me to pretend to be confident over the situation- Niamh was freaking out. My primary school best friend’s first party, her sixteenth actually, was going to begin in two hours. I don’t think that I even knew I was frightened, I fooled myself into thinking I was capable of attending a party with only one person I was comfortable speaking to (which was the hostess). Not much happened in that time, I reassured Niamh that her party will be great- one to remember- and I didn’t prove myself wrong.

I think it was when the doorbell actually rung and the first guests arrived. It was like shards of glass in my stomach. What am I doing here? I asked myself. Me, the socially awkward loner, at a house party. Eventually the guests flooding in. I tried, I really did, and don’t get me wrong, I had a few nice conversations, about school; even Downton Abbey hit a home run, but it was only ten minutes too nine which I struck out. It had been going for fifty minutes and I retreated upstairs (where no one was allowed, but of course I was, being a best friend and all). I just kind of sat there… on the stairs… the definition of lonely struck me hard. I don’t remember how long I stayed there, but I soon returned (to my dismay), but I had to ya’ know? I had to try for her. It was a strange feeling being around so many unfamiliar faces at once, it made me feel like I had walked into a strangers house, I couldn’t seem to recognise anything. I think at first she thought I was being quiet because some guys were arriving, which did make it just a tad worse seeing as I go to an all girls school so I find it harder to talk to boys, but I soon found it hard to breathe. It was a strange sensation, especially seeing all the smiling faces shining around me. I slowly stood up, to not gain any extra attention, and literally ran up the stairs and into the bedroom I was sleeping in that night and locked the door behind me. I felt like not hardly enough oxygen was reaching my lungs, and eventually I lay down and cried my life out into a pillow. I did try to return to the party on various occasions, but as soon as I could hear the music pulsing through the walls and into my ears I seemed to loose the ability to stand, and would once again collapse.

I don’t remember what time Niamh walked in on me crying to myself, and it’s embarrassing to explain what happened for the rest of that night, so I’ll just summarise it. She tried to comfort me, calm me down, but it was no use. At one point some of her friends came in saw me crying and just froze, and that was the moment I became the talk of the party. I didn’t go back down for the night, I tried calling home for someone to pick me up but they were out, I went to sleep after the guests were  kicked out by her parents, and Niamh assured me that she had fun and she was glad I was there. But I knew, ya’ know? I knew I had ruined it, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good memory for her, and it was me who had spoilt it. So that was it. My first party.

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When my mum picked me up in the morning she knew what had happened, not just because of the concerning message I had left on the answering machine, but from the look on my face- I couldn’t seem to meet anyone’s eye. She told me that it was completely natural for this to happen, but I didn’t feel like talking to her about it.