Tired.

I haven’t self harmed for so long that I’ve lost track. I guess I should be proud but I just feel so empty, not to mention the fact that my scars are still healing and visible. I thought that when all of this stopped would be the day of my recovery, maybe I could focus on improving my personality traits and my body rather than dwelling on them. But, as before, nothing on the inside (or out) has really changed at all.

The world around me, the people, the place, has become a personal razor that scratches at my skin, that draws blood until I just give up. I’m so fucking tired. Of everything. And there’s nothing wrong to even complain about; except myself.

Relapse.

I relapsed today. I don’t remember exactly how long it’s been since I last self harmed, I think it’s around three months because all of my scars have healed (mostly). I’m not sure what brought it on either- I was just bored. And when I’m bored my mind wanders and my emotions run.

Then I was just siting on my bed with my favourite razor. Is it weird, to have a favourite instrument in which you mutilate yourself with? Probably. Although matches are close behind- you can never bond with them like you do a razor- my razor has a history. I remember first getting it because I was so angry I wasn’t able to break it out of the shaving tool, it took about ten minutes and two scissors. I love it so much. My first one was blunt, at the time I didn’t mind because I used a lot of strength anyway. But this one is so sharp, I can hold it next to my skin, and I start to bleed. It’s so graceful.

I only made three cuts- not very big ones either. I’m worried about PE tomorrow because I’m pretty sure Maya will see them. I don’t want her to worry, or for them to be triggering- she’s doing too well, I couldn’t do that to her.

I don’t know what else to say. My mind is empty at the moment but I can’t sleep. I think it’s ironic that I give advice about self harm but I just can’t seem to follow it myself.