I hate that everyone always tells me how much I’m going to change when I’m older. They tell me that as you grow older you become more outgoing, more social, open to more possibilities. I just can’t see it, I can’t imagine it at all. I think that they’re trying to persuade themselves that this is just a faze, that one day I’ll just be a normal kid- whatever that is.
I scare myself thinking about all the things which are wrong with me, every tiny detail, every huge flaw. I can’t see myself being elderly, or an adult, or having children, or getting a job, or going to university, or anything. I can see myself dying young. And in a not-so-twisted-way I would rather that.
It means it doesn’t have to be messy, and I can’t make any more bad decisions, I can finally rest. Growing up and getting old scares me more than death, and I’d choose the latter any day.