I relapsed today. I don’t remember exactly how long it’s been since I last self harmed, I think it’s around three months because all of my scars have healed (mostly). I’m not sure what brought it on either- I was just bored. And when I’m bored my mind wanders and my emotions run.
Then I was just siting on my bed with my favourite razor. Is it weird, to have a favourite instrument in which you mutilate yourself with? Probably. Although matches are close behind- you can never bond with them like you do a razor- my razor has a history. I remember first getting it because I was so angry I wasn’t able to break it out of the shaving tool, it took about ten minutes and two scissors. I love it so much. My first one was blunt, at the time I didn’t mind because I used a lot of strength anyway. But this one is so sharp, I can hold it next to my skin, and I start to bleed. It’s so graceful.
I only made three cuts- not very big ones either. I’m worried about PE tomorrow because I’m pretty sure Maya will see them. I don’t want her to worry, or for them to be triggering- she’s doing too well, I couldn’t do that to her.
I don’t know what else to say. My mind is empty at the moment but I can’t sleep. I think it’s ironic that I give advice about self harm but I just can’t seem to follow it myself.