Okay, so I’ve had a post called “Haunting”. This is on the same matter. What do I respond to this message after I try and talk to her?
This is all for a reason Helena. And that is what you fail to understand. Tell me this: Why am I so neglected? Why doesn’t someone just reach in and rip out the truth, and tell me I’m a fucking whore, or that my parents want me dead! Do you really think I want to go on I totally ignore you and not tlak to you and avert my eyes away? It hurts me. You’re this constant reminder of everything. Helena, what do you see when you close your eyes? I see flashbacks. Faces that I don’t remember anymore. Tears running down chubby cheeks. Blurred situations. Distorted pictures. Things I shouldn’t see. Things I shouldn’t remember, yet can’t forget. You are a constant reminder Helena, one I am trying to avoid, trying to forget and I just can’t get away from you, I don’t want to but I have to. It’s best that way. And it’s hurting me, its hurting me and it’s hurting me. So Helena, you don’t know me at all, nor will you ever. I make you frustrated, so what. I’m sorry. Helena, just stop trying nothing you say will make me change me mind about this. Give up. That way you’re not wasting your time.
Were not friends any more. I want you to understand that. Why do you feel the need to be my friend? I’m very self-sufficient. I like my own space. Look at it as me wanting my own space from you, meaning me not talking to you for as long as it takes. I mean, why does everybody need to be with somebody? I don’t understand that. I really don’t. You know, somebody doesn’t complete you. You don’t need me, but you want me and you can’t have me, anymore that is. I’m fighting this war on my own. Every day. Every hour. Every second. I’m only fighting and fighting. I’m tired of it. I want to give up. I want to close my eyes and breathe out one last time. I want to make all of this stop. Now. I want to be able to talk to you. I want to be able to be normal again. Not having to count calories not having to panic when I gain weight not having to ignore you not having to listen to a constant jabbering voice at the back of my head. I want to be normal. That is all but I can’t even have that can I? I can’t even have you. And you, you seem just perfectly fine at school you don’t need me. You want me but you don’t need me. So I’d gladly give you the opportunity to take me away from my own personal hell, but you can’t do that. Its not like I don’t want you to. She won’t want you to. Controlling my life or not I don’t give a fuck. Because my life isn’t worth anything to me anymore. So here I am Helena, pleading for you to forget about me, not talk to me. Just give up, please. For both our sakes. Am I a bad person for wanting to die? Everyday I question my self avout this. Will I be damned in hell? Will god regect me? Will everyone hate me for that thought. I don’t want sympathy or pity but can you tell me, am I a bad person? Don’t worry I’m not feeling suicidal, no I’m far from that. Sorry for my rant, but I hope you will understand one day and forgive me. Was that a bit too emotional and dramatic for you, slightly cheesy yes but I can’t find the right words to explain everything to you and I don’t think I’ll be able to ever do that. Believe me, I spent all morning trying to write this message to you debating last night whether to talk to you in person but thinking no due to the fact I don’t want to disgrace myself in front of you by breaking down. Please try to comprehend what I am sayinf. Right now I’m fine? Yes I am fine. Slightly happy at times which is good, I guess. So don’t worry. And, Helena, you are only getting fustrated because you choose to acknowledge me presence and hold on. Don’t.
Any suggestions will be appreciated.